Posted by on June 15, 2020 12:56 am

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Categories: Canary Jumped the Shark

Pardon us while we Jump the Shark and jump the county line to bring you this news …

We believe this may be the police report of the decade, if not the entire 21st Century.

If you thought the horse poop fight was something else or that you’d heard it all with the guy in Pine Grove who “took it out” in a borough business recently, get a load of this …

Pennsylvania Man Busted with Empty Busch Cans, Drugs, Porno DVDs and … a Dildo

busch beer

Pennsylvania State Police with the Gibson Patrol Unit recently responded to an indecent exposure incident reported in Hallstead, Pa.

When they arrived on the scene at Pine Street and Elizabeth Avenue, they encountered 36-year-old Richard Chapman, a Hallstead resident.

Chapman, police say, was visibly smashed when they got to him.

A quick search of his person revealed Chapman was carrying some drugs, some drug paraphernalia, and a few other items of note.

Now, mind you, this was just after 6 a.m. on June 3 (the crack of dawn on a Wednesday).

So, in addition to the incriminating narcotics evidence police say they found on Chapman, he was also in possession of

  • 3 empty cans of Busch beer
  • “Multiple” pornographic DVDs
  • And what police refer to as a “male genitalia shaped sexual aid device” (You probably know it better as a dildo.)

Man, if getting busted for indecent exposure isn’t bad enough, imagine Chapman’s embarrassment when people find out he was drinking Busch, right?

Dildo Phrasing

Obviously, we didn’t expect Pennsylvania State Police to use the word “dildo” in its official reporting.

We’re just wondering how long it took investigating officer Daniel Deleo to come up with this exact phrasing for the dildo … male genitalia shaped sexual aid device.

We bet the crew up there at the Gibson Patrol station had a good time coming up with the almost scientific phrasing for the dildo to be included in his report.

This had to be an all-day affair.

It probably took Deleo a little while to summon the courage to pick up the dil- sorry, male genitalia shaped sexual aid device and place it into an evidence bag. He didn’t know where it’d been. Surely, he had his suspicions.

And then came the paperwork.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall when the presiding judge in this case initially reads the file on Chapman.

How Did This Happen?

We can only imagine what led up to police discovering Chapman in this condition.

Presumably, the last thing we want to know is why Chapman heads for the mountains of Busch … beer.

Secondly, what’s up with the DVDs? Who carries them around with them? He’s heard of the internet, right? At least the police didn’t divulge the nature of their content.

And then there’s the sexual aid device. What’s up with … ya know what, never mind. Forget we even tried to ask.

We’ll keep an eye on this case in the future to see if Chapman can get off on the charges.

Maybe he can argue that he doesn’t even own a DVD player and someone planted those discs on him. And as far as the dildo goes, it COULD be Brady’s

“Only in Schuylkill County”

Whenever we hear something crazy happening involving the police and some messed up criminal incident, you’ll always hear someone remark: “Only in Schuylkill County.”

Well, here’s proof that that’s not always true.

And here’s the original police report to prove that we’re not making this up. You literally can’t make this stuff up:

johnny dildo pennsylvania

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4 responses to Pennsylvania Man Busted with Empty Busch Cans, Drugs, Porn DVDs and … a Dildo

  1. PTFloridians June 15th, 2020 at 9:46 am

    Prolly heading to a protest…another “good cause” useless idiot

    Reply

  2. 3 Weed Wackers Ripped Off Near Tremont - Coal Region Canary June 19th, 2020 at 12:01 am

    […] Pennsylvania Man Busted with Empty Busch Cans, Drugs, Porn DVDs and … a Dildo […]

    Reply

  3. State Police Looking for Ashland Man Who Hit Man and Dog with Baseball Bat - Coal Region Canary June 21st, 2020 at 4:04 pm

    […] Pennsylvania Man Busted with Empty Busch Cans, Drugs, Porn DVDs and … a Dildo […]

    Reply

  4. TTB132: Prison Bae – The Two Bobs Podcast July 10th, 2020 at 3:09 pm

    […] Back to Pennsylvania…A man was busted with empty Busch cans, drugs, porno DVDs and [insert drumroll] a dildo! We know what you’re thinking: “Who drinks Busch and still has access to a DVD player?” Sick bastards, that’s who! https://coalregioncanary.com/2020/06/15/pennsylvania-man-busted-with-empty-busch-cans-drugs-porn-dvd… […]

    Reply

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