A Pennsylvania Government Approved Cookout is Like Partying at Joe Mayo’s Apartment

It’s like the Pennsylvania Dept. of Health consulted Joe Mayo for its latest coronavirus guidance. Now, they’re talking about cookout safety.

Pennsylvania 2020 Coronavirus Cookout Safety Guidance

Instead of the fun free-for-all style cookouts you, your family, and friends are accustomed to hosting and gathering, the state-approved 2020 summer cookout is, of course coming from these people, highly regulated.

There are rules and jobs and honestly, it’s everything you’re looking to avoid … hence why you’re going to a cookout, not a shift at a diner.

Who’s this Joe Mayo everyone’s talking about?
The Reverse Peephole – Seinfeld Reference

If you’ve never seen “The Reverse Peephole” episode of Seinfeld, you may be lost here.

As a means of housekeeping and bringing you up to speed, our Joe Mayo reference is about the Seinfeld episode called “The Reverse Peephole” and originally aired back in January 1998. (Season 9, Episode 12 … one of the last episodes!)

Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer are going to a party at Joe Mayo’s. They all chipped in and bought Joe a chair as an apartment-warming gift. Kramer doesn’t remember anything about this, even though it was his idea.

Regardless, Joe is one of those people who gives everyone at his parties a small job, like making sure no one taps on the aquarium glass, or delegating someone to be in charge of coats.

Yeah … Joe Mayo’s that guy.

The Reverse Cookout

So, this week, through the Pennsylvania Government Twitter handle @PAGov, the state issued some safety guidance for summer cookouts.

And it’s pretty clear, they consulted Joe Mayo for some party-popping tips:

The Rules of a Reverse Cookout

Here are the rules you’ll want to follow to host a proper coronavirus cookout in Pennsylvania. If you don’t, the neighbors will be talking about you for years.

Actually, if you follow these rules, they’ll be talking about you for years.

First, the Golden Rules of a Reverse Cookout …

Wear a Mask!

Ask your guests to bring their own mask. If they don’t have one or “forgot” it, have a supply of masks on hand.

No Handshakes

You know you want to shake your guests’ hands or give them a hug. Don’t do it. Imagine your guests are just covered in the virus.

Rather than the traditional, friendly greetings, just smile (from behind the mask) and wave. Won’t that be nice?

And now for the party-planning and party execution rules:

Cordon Off the Cooking Area

You’re going to want to go ahead and cordon off an area of the party space for food prep. And you’ll need to limit access to that area.

Maybe you should think about security passes.

Designate Servers

Identify the people at your party who you don’t like too much. Ask them to be servers at your cookout. That should sever the friendship for good. Probably a good time to remind guests at a cookout to bring cash for tipping the servers.

Disinfect the Surfaces

Someone’s going to have to be on disinfectant duty. It’s going to be you. If you ask a guest at your party to go around cleaning up after you, just don’t.

Distance Your Guests

Keep your guests socially distant from each other. If you’ve got a small yard or deck, this may keep your party pretty small. Either way, for the host, this is turning into less of a party, and more like a 1 p.m. seating at a restaurant.

Take Turns at the Feed Station

If you’ve got a main food table set up at your cookout, letting people just come and go at it is like surrendering to the virus. Better not let Governor Wolf see that happening.

Instead, call people to the food station by their table assignment. It’ll bring that large banquet atmosphere to your cookout, and isn’t that what’s really missing from your backyard festivities?

Mark Your Sanitizing Area

The state says you should indicate your hand washing and sanitizing station at your cookout. We’re pretty sure people will figure out where the sink is located. And provided you’re offering cold drinks, there’s little risk of people ingesting hand sanitizer.

And if there are people who show up at your cookout this worried about sanitary conditions, maybe this isn’t the best setting for them anyway.

Wash Your Hands

Of course, wash your hands. You shouldn’t have to tell people to wash their hands. If you need to tell cookout guests to have clean hands, you need new guests.

Socially Distant Over-regulated Cookout

Here’s the deal … all these tips are fine. Most are common sense.

The worst thing you can do at your cookout is be a Joe Mayo. He throws the worst parties.

Don’t go marking stations or assigning people jobs at your cookout. Let people have fun. That’s why they’re coming to your cookout, to have fun. They don’t want to help. They may say they want to help. But, they don’t. Really, don’t ask them.

Who is this Joe Mayo guy anyway?

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